New Beginning

What is near and dear to my heart?

I love being in and expressing the truth of the moment. It might be the death of me, but it's what I love.

First things first. I am a little crazy and have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I used to work for a small company as an accounting assistant. After a weeklong meditation retreat I came back to work a little off and was eventually fired when I left some outlandish voicemails for the owners of the company and my coworkers. That was in April.

Until the end of May I was in and out of hospitals as I found my balance again. Now I am living with my companion of 5 years, Rose, and taking each day as it comes.

Goals

On May 31st, I wrote down in my journal a list of goals to accomplish. I reproduce them here:

Glasses
MD ID
Job
Pay off debt
Travel w/ Rose
OH Wedding


Dec. Meditate?

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The crossed off goals are the ones I have accomplished or "retired." I accomplished getting new glasses and my Maryland driver's license. I retired the goal to go on a meditation retreat in December. That was after having lunch with Mom and Sister, where they encouraged me strongly to stay away from longer retreats for a while. They convinced me, and for now I am just keeping a daily meditation practice.

Job

Since I got my glasses, I began to look for a new job. First I applied to be a manager at the local McDonalds. When I didn't hear back after a week, I applied for the crew at the same location. No luck. So yesterday I went to a couple of pizza places in downtown Takoma Park, but neither of them was hiring. I had planned to expand my pizza job quest today by getting applications from a few places in DC, but when today arrived I realized that that was not what I wanted to do.

Putting aside the judgments about being irresponsible, I walked around the apartment for a while, then started exploring work-at-home opportunities. I had come in contact with a writer who wrote an ebook about such things, and I bought it for $2.99. It's called Where to Work Online by Annie Jean Brewer, and I recommend it as a good and reliable overview of the field with lots of specific leads. Soon I was focusing in on writing, and that's basically what brought me here today. I do not know what tomorrow will bring. I only know that I am writing now and enjoying it.

Pay Off Debt

I have about $10,000 in debt from my extravagances while I was in and out of the hospital this last time. Let's just say I had some fun with Occupy DC.

Travel with Rose

This is more Rose's goal than mine, but I've taken it on as my own because I would probably enjoy it, and I want to be supportive of her. She's been talking about visiting Laos.

Ohio Wedding

I told Paul that I would "move mountains" to be at his wedding to Kristina in August. That was before I lost my job, but it looks like Rose and I will still be able to go, thanks to my parents.

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Meditation

I have been meditating for a few years and like to think that over time it can help me navigate bipolar disorder more skillfully. At this stage, I generally meditate for at least 30 minutes a day, and my meditation centers around being aware of my body and its parts, occasionally centering on my breath. I tend to get distracted easily if I focus in too narrowly on my breath. Coming back to my body instead allows my concentration to be more relaxed and inclusive, and I find myself getting less frustrated. I got this idea from a book by Ajahn Brahm called The Art of Disappearing.

Also from this book, I got the technique of allowing every moment to be good enough. Letting go of striving for things to be different than they are, especially while I am meditating. Sometimes I come back to saying to myself and what I'm experiencing, "This is good enough." What a relief!

I'd like to keep checking in about meditation and my experiences with bipolar.

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So, we'll see what happens next. I don't want to rush into getting a job that I can't keep for at least a year. I receive SSDI for my disability, so that helps with money, as does Mom. For now, it is enough to help Rose when I can and follow my own process into writing, meditation, and other good things along the way.