Enjoying Meeting My Goals

This Sunday, 9/16 marks one month since my first day working at Angelico Pizzeria. I'm still volunteering, but I'm enjoying learning different aspects of the business, including food prep, cooking, expediting, and answering phones. I'm hoping that by Halloween business will pick up from the summer slump, and I'll be getting paid 2 days a week, which is what I'm working now.

I've been volunteering also with teaching seniors basic computer skills and feeding seniors through Meals on Wheels. On Tuesday evenings I take a free tai chi class.

I've been attending services at an Episcopal church and will be teaching Sunday school once a month. Meeting with my meditation mentor is going well.

Since around August 20, when I had a cold, I've been having some discomfort and pain in my left side and the left side of my back. The pain in my back has gotten better, but the pain in my left side continues. I feel it mostly when I meditate (or otherwise sit erect) and sometimes when I am working. Usually I only sit for about 20 minutes in the evening, but can sometimes sit longer in the morning, up to about 45 minutes or so. This pain in my left side may also be related to the fact that I've only been eating 2 meals a day since the middle of July: breakfast and lunch.

Sometimes I resist the pain and hope that it will go away at some point, but I also play around with accepting it as a friend and teacher. I've talked to my doctor about it, and he thinks it might go away on its own. He suggested physical therapy if I still have the pain in another month.

This Monday marks 2 months that I've been taking 1 1/2 mg of risperidone. I decided not to decrease it again for a while when I got hired at Angelico. At first I thought I would reduce another half mg in December, after Rose's semester is over. Rose wants me to wait until at least May, when she has a longer break (Summer!). So I will probably do that, though I want to talk to my psychiatrist about it this Monday. 1 1/2 mg seems like a very low dose, and I wonder if what I am taking is really doing anything anyway.

As for my other goals from my June 27th post, I've got all 5 of my credit card payments under control for now. Haven't been able to do much with a few medical bills I have. I can probably do something about those when I start getting paid by Angelico.

Rose and I did not go to the Ohio wedding.

Traveling with Rose: I have checked out 3 books from the library about worldwide and volunteer vacations. They are:

     The 100 Best Worldwide Vacations to Enrich Your Life

     The 100 Best Volunteer Vacations to Enrich Your Life

     Volunteer Vacations: Short-Term Adventures That Will Benefit You and Others

I would like to peruse these with Rose and choose something to save up and plan for.

Rose and I are doing well, though she is very unhappy sometimes. It's possible that she will decide to split up with me once she gets her nursing degree and is more financially independent. I fully support her with that if that's what she wants to do. I will probably miss her, but I will also enjoy the freedom from her dramas and verbal abuse. And I will be happy that I will have left her in a good place where she can take care of herself.

Back in the Saddle

Started up my job search again last week. I’m looking to get experience as a pizza cook. Had a promising interview on Saturday. Should get an answer this week.

Rose and I are doing much better. I hope we can make it together!

Reduced my risperidone again 2 weeks ago. So far so good. I haven't had any trouble sleeping, so that's a good sign.

I’ve got 3 of my 5 credit cards under control. Hopefully I’ll have a job soon and can get those last 2 going!

I have a meditation mentor now. We are meeting for half an hour every 2 weeks. We’re going to start going over the 8-fold noble path next time.

I’m looking for a Christian church to worship, study, and grow with.

Been volunteer teaching computer skills to seniors and cooking for DC Central Kitchen.

Keeping things simple.

Taking It Slow and Easy

I have stopped my job search for the time being, and it looks like Rose and I will be splitting up by the end of the year.

My peace of mind is more important to me than traditional security, and for now having peace of mind means taking it slow and doing things one day at a time.

I have come up with 4 basic ways that my jobless situation will resolve:

1) I gain strong enough motivation to get and keep a job while living with Rose.

2) I gain strong enough motivation to get and keep a job after finding another place to live without Rose.

3) I don't gain strong enough motivation to get and keep a job, so I find a cheaper place to live and live off social security alone. (Mom is currently giving me money every month on top of my SSDI payment.)

4) I don't gain strong enough motivation to get and keep a job, and cheaper housing doesn't work out (either because I can't find something suitable or because I need more freedom, or both), so I hit the road for an adventure until I find a suitable place to settle down and possibly work.

*     *     *     *     *

It looks like Rose and I will not be able to make it to the wedding in Ohio in August because we don’t have enough money for the trip.

I have been on a reduced dose of risperidone for 2 weeks, and so far I am doing fine. I’m seeing my psychiatrist in 2 more weeks to check in.

I have been meditating, and I enjoyed this 18-minute video from Buddhist Geeks called Enlightenment for the Rest of Us.

New Beginning

What is near and dear to my heart?

I love being in and expressing the truth of the moment. It might be the death of me, but it's what I love.

First things first. I am a little crazy and have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I used to work for a small company as an accounting assistant. After a weeklong meditation retreat I came back to work a little off and was eventually fired when I left some outlandish voicemails for the owners of the company and my coworkers. That was in April.

Until the end of May I was in and out of hospitals as I found my balance again. Now I am living with my companion of 5 years, Rose, and taking each day as it comes.

Goals

On May 31st, I wrote down in my journal a list of goals to accomplish. I reproduce them here:

Glasses
MD ID
Job
Pay off debt
Travel w/ Rose
OH Wedding


Dec. Meditate?

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The crossed off goals are the ones I have accomplished or "retired." I accomplished getting new glasses and my Maryland driver's license. I retired the goal to go on a meditation retreat in December. That was after having lunch with Mom and Sister, where they encouraged me strongly to stay away from longer retreats for a while. They convinced me, and for now I am just keeping a daily meditation practice.

Job

Since I got my glasses, I began to look for a new job. First I applied to be a manager at the local McDonalds. When I didn't hear back after a week, I applied for the crew at the same location. No luck. So yesterday I went to a couple of pizza places in downtown Takoma Park, but neither of them was hiring. I had planned to expand my pizza job quest today by getting applications from a few places in DC, but when today arrived I realized that that was not what I wanted to do.

Putting aside the judgments about being irresponsible, I walked around the apartment for a while, then started exploring work-at-home opportunities. I had come in contact with a writer who wrote an ebook about such things, and I bought it for $2.99. It's called Where to Work Online by Annie Jean Brewer, and I recommend it as a good and reliable overview of the field with lots of specific leads. Soon I was focusing in on writing, and that's basically what brought me here today. I do not know what tomorrow will bring. I only know that I am writing now and enjoying it.

Pay Off Debt

I have about $10,000 in debt from my extravagances while I was in and out of the hospital this last time. Let's just say I had some fun with Occupy DC.

Travel with Rose

This is more Rose's goal than mine, but I've taken it on as my own because I would probably enjoy it, and I want to be supportive of her. She's been talking about visiting Laos.

Ohio Wedding

I told Paul that I would "move mountains" to be at his wedding to Kristina in August. That was before I lost my job, but it looks like Rose and I will still be able to go, thanks to my parents.

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Meditation

I have been meditating for a few years and like to think that over time it can help me navigate bipolar disorder more skillfully. At this stage, I generally meditate for at least 30 minutes a day, and my meditation centers around being aware of my body and its parts, occasionally centering on my breath. I tend to get distracted easily if I focus in too narrowly on my breath. Coming back to my body instead allows my concentration to be more relaxed and inclusive, and I find myself getting less frustrated. I got this idea from a book by Ajahn Brahm called The Art of Disappearing.

Also from this book, I got the technique of allowing every moment to be good enough. Letting go of striving for things to be different than they are, especially while I am meditating. Sometimes I come back to saying to myself and what I'm experiencing, "This is good enough." What a relief!

I'd like to keep checking in about meditation and my experiences with bipolar.

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So, we'll see what happens next. I don't want to rush into getting a job that I can't keep for at least a year. I receive SSDI for my disability, so that helps with money, as does Mom. For now, it is enough to help Rose when I can and follow my own process into writing, meditation, and other good things along the way.